Don't Look Towards the Skyline

Fairy tales aren't meant to come true.

There is a wonderful book, called The Court of Airs, that I read a few months ago. Unfortunately, I never finished it, because I lost the book mid-way through, but that's not the point I am trying to make. Molly, a character in the novel, was forced into prostitution at the beginning of the story. Her madame told her that if there truly was a Prince Charming in her life, he made a wrong turn along the way. She encouraged Molly to only focus on her future and her life--not to depend on any man.

Within this same novel, another character said something along the lines of not to look up for salvation, but to make your own here on earth.

It was wonderful.

Why?

Because it is true.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a spiritual person. I believe there is a higher being in the universe and my destiny and fate might be in His hands. But, at the same time, I also believe that you have to work for your journey. I don't trust everything in the hands of my Savior; I have to be self-sufficient, too. It's the only way to survive in this world. You have to survive--along the way, you might enjoy life's little joys, but you have to make your own happinesses. I'll stop and smell flowers and take pictures of my friends, but I also know that one day, those things might be gone and I better make the best of the good times now. Soon enough, it might all be gone.

I'm extremely content with life right now. I've felt like a lost puppy for a while, but it's also nice to live in ignorant bliss and enjoying the little things that have come my way.

Enjoy life, readers. It might be your last.

Hindsight is 20/20

I am outside, enjoying the sun's cancer rays. It beats staying inside and thinking about things I shouldn't think of.

One of the many things I have learned as an adult is that I will never stop changing. I will continue to grow and learn until my life becomes so monotonous that it will be impossible for me to change...unless I change my routine. I absolutely hate change. I love being in control and knowing what happens next. It's not like that anymore. I have to pay attention to my surroundings and my social situations--even then, I am not completely sure what's going to happen next. I can guess, but I am usually wrong.

For instance, my friend threw me a curveball the other day. He's leaving in a month to go to a distant, foreign country to study for a year--a year without him by my side. I just wonder how I am going to cope with his absence. I depend on his hugs and warmth and to be without it is scary as hell.

Control freak much? Why yes.

Out of character

It bothers me that I can't get this blog to double space between paragraphs. I could play with it some more and probably figure it out, but in all seriousness, I am writing in a stream of consciousness anyways, so my thoughts are kinda flooding together. Still, it's nice to have some type of organization. I did the most ridiculous thing just now. I reached out to a total stranger. This is completely abnormal for me, asking for anything from anyone. But, as things are happening right now, I need a stranger's advice who, I believe, is in the same boat as me, or at least has been there before. It wouldn't surprise me if this stranger decides to play me off as a creepier, ban me from ever talking to her again, and going on her merry way without the slightest thought of me ever again. If there is a higher being in this world or beyond, my prayers might be answered through her correspondence. I would like some peace of mind, and I might get it through her. If not, I guess I'll have to find other means. Really, though, talking to a person that lives in your town makes you a little bonkers in the head. You know someone knows your secrets living 20 minutes down the lane from you. Are they going to tell someone you know? Are your problems going to influence your future career? Are they talking? Questions like this come up in my head. Sorry, there is no such thing as confidentiality. Humans have mouths, and we use them in the negative light more than we realize. So, asking for help on the internet from a complete stranger feels better. I can trust that she won't tell...since she doesn't know me. She doesn't live in the same town as me (but she lives where I once called home...I hope to move back one of these days). She doesn't know anyone I know (that I know of. There is a thing called six degrees of separation and I know that shit's real). She's safe. Something led me to her, and I hope whatever did allows her to see my plight and give me insight. I just want some insight.

Kali is my favorite

This time last year, I wrote about how I learned so much about myself in a week's time. Mainly, I focused on my lesson of Hindu tantric teachings. You see, tantric practioners believe that empowerment can come in the form of trying new and taboo things in a religious ceremony. For instance, a devote Hindu can eat meat through a religious ceremony and gain knowledge from their experience. Mainly, the Hindu finds out that the world doesn't blow up after s/he eats the piece of meat. Through this gain of knowledge, the Hindu is empowered and the empowerment leds to freedom. A year ago, I gave my virginity to a man that I love and cherish and hold dear to my heart. He is my best friend. I didn't give it to a boyfriend or someone who could hurt me with it later. I gave it to the one person I trusted enough to hold it dearly and tenderly without harming me in the process. I think that was the best decision of my life. I was raised by uptight Baptists that preached pre-marital sex was going to earn me a spot in hell. Through my experience, no matter how taboo it was for my family, I found empowerment and freedom. There is a biological need for humans to have sex and I learned that at an age that felt right for me and with a man that could handle me. Freedom. Empowerment. It feels awesome. I kinda am wondering where that enlightened woman went. This past year has been a big cluster fuck. I've had my ups and downs to the point where they are past extreme. When I am up, I am way up, happier than anyone should ever be. And when I am down, I don't want to ever get out of bed. Depression hurts, and some people know this because they live with it. Right now, it's kinda weird for me, since I am not manic in any way. It feels...nice. I care about what I need to care about, think about my goals and how to achieve them, and disregard those things that I don't need to care about. I hope this feeling lasts a while and nothing happens to mess it up.

Would it be considered cheating?

I'm a xanga kinda girl, but I've found a few blogs worth reading on here. So, here I am, trying to connect with people I don't know and probably will never know except through their words. Fun.